The importance of intimacy

God made woman to be a companion and a helper to men.  His first commandment, indeed, was that man should be fruitful, multiply and replenish the earth.   For this, he needed woman.

However, one of the most contentious areas of marriage (along with finances) is the intimate side of their relationship.    Problems in this area are a large reason why there are marital breakups, and yet, the solution is for men and women to learn what the other REALLY wants.

  1. Men primarily want sexual intimacy
  2. Women primarily want affection

The reason for this is the different way men and women express emotions, the difference in the way they think.

Before continuing to explore this, I want to highly recommend the book by Dr. Julianna Slattery on sexual intimacy called No More Headaches.  It is featured in an article whose link I will provide at the end of this post, and let me just say that after nearly 40 years of marriage, it was an eye-opener.   One key thing I came away with is the revelation that men see sex as an act of love.   They express their emotions, affection, during and after intimacy, which the doctor goes into more detail on.  If women could realize this, and promote it, it would save many a marriage.

No More Headaches

A husband’s sexuality belongs to the woman, and if the husband expresses his affection through it, his wife will receive what she desires, pleasing both of them.    It’s important to realize also, that men fear rejection from their wives, so it’s important to him to feel that his wife enjoys intimacy with him.   Wives need to take it upon themselves to initiate sex with their husbands as well as make themselves available to him for this purpose.    They should strive to make it pleasurable even when they don’t feel in the mood.  Men that have pleasurable intimacy with their wives are not going to be tempted to infidelity, and it also reduces their desire to look at pornography, which is a major problem even within the Church.

I want to stress that men should be showing their wives affection both inside and outside the bedroom through their agape love for her, which I will be discussing in a later post.   They should not only be protecting and providing for their wife, spiritually leading her, but showing her kindness, affection, and their appreciation for her.

I also want to emphasize, that women are not sexual objects, as stated by one prominent “Christian” blogger.  A husband who makes his wife feel like a thing is emotionally stunted and needs his head examined.  Husbands should be expressing affection to their wives during intimacy so that she understands it is her he loves and desires.  But there is nothing wrong with loving each other’s bodies.  Sex is a natural thing and something God made for marriage.    A wife should love her husband physically as well as otherwise.

So, some helpful guidelines for intimacy are:

  • Do initiate sex with your husband and learn the things that please him sexually
  • Don’t deny sex to your husband except in cases of serious illness or for periods of prayer and fasting (read the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 7)
  • Strive for enjoyment even when you are not in the mood
  • Let your husband know your love during sex which will bring out his affection
  • Make yourself attractive to him as much as possible through your dress, perfume, your hair
  • Let your husband know what enhances your desire for him (“turns you on”)
  • Discuss with him what things make you comfortable and what doesn’t
  • Ladies, this is your best opportunity to make him feel like a man.    Make the most of it!




  1. Yes, great insights and helpful advice. One of the problems we frequently see in the comments from husbands is that their wives play gate keeper or refuser when it comes to sexual intimacy. A wife must be sexually available to her husband and both spouses can work to achieve a mutually fulfilling, loving sexual relationship within their marriage.

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    1. Larry, I was married for nearly 40 years and did not know these things. If only young women learned this before marriage, it would be better for both spouses. My blog is preparation for a book I’m going to be writing and will include recommendations in that area.

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