Doug Wilson and Miserable Wives

OR the Prescription is Love

This article is a response to a fictitious counseling session that Mr. Wilson has with a “miserable wife”.  After considerable discussion, I decided to write the letter as if I were advising Kate.  Mr. Wilson left some holes in the article that I feel need addressed, and also I feel it is heavily imbalanced in favor of the husband.   Mr. Wilson needs less bark and bite and more Holy Spirit and agape love.

Dear Kate:

First dear, I want to say how sorry I am to hear of the problems you and Jon are having.  I am thankful that you are seeking godly counsel on it.    Sometimes I think that the reason Paul asked elderly women to teach young women to love their husbands is because we understand some of the issues women go through, particularly when the emotions are involved.

Kate, I would like to get together with both you and Jon so that we can pray with you, both for your marriage, and for your emotional healing.  Having suffered from clinical depression for 25 years, I understand that depression is a very serious issue that needs to be handled with care.  It is a black hole that sucks people’s souls and feeds on its own negativity.   Jesus can heal you emotionally; I’m not going to advise you to stuff your emotions or ignore them.  I am going to tell you that as Jesus did for me, He can heal them and turn your negative emotions into positive ones of love.

The reason I want to meet with both yourself and Jon is to ensure you know that I am giving consideration to both of you and hearing both sides as any good counselor would.   With any marriage, there are two people involved, and in hearing each, we want to ensure that both are striving to meet their roles.   That’s why I love Ephesians 5 which delineates the calling of men and women to each other, wrapping it up in the agape love that Jesus shows for His Church.  As Christians, we are called to perform our roles with His unconditional love at the center.  That means we have to trust Jesus to ensure the other person is doing their part.

As a writer, I understand well your desire to explore your creativity and I am happy to see that Jon is striving to accomodate your desire to paint.  It’s important to remember though, that as women, our first priority is to our husband and our children, in that order.  In your letter to me, I can see some dissatisfaction with your role in the family, and healing your emotions is a first step to ensure you are seeing your role clearly.  Your family needs you, Kate, to take care of them and be there for them.  Your positive emotions of agape love will make them feel loved and supported by you.  Jon also needs your full support in order to fulfill his role as leader of the family.

Jesus calls on you, Kate, to provide that for him.  As a woman, I understand that submission isn’t always an easy duty, knowing that for us it is a matter of trusting our husband to do what is best for us.   You mention that you know Jon loves you and that he is not a tyrant, so obedience should be much easier for you once we seek healing for your emotions.   It is helpful if you think of submission as turning to Jon for his help rather than trying to control you.  He is there for your protection and guidance, to lead you in areas where the responsibility is a lot tougher and requires a man’s inner strength.

I will also speak to Jon to get a clear picture of whether he is doing everything he can to fulfill his role and commitment to you.   Men are called to love their wives sacrificially, with affection and high esteem (two of the meanings of agape).  They are not only to provide for you,  and be committed to you, but it’s important that Jon give you appreciation in your role as wife and mother so that you understand your importance in keeping your family together.    Proverbs 31 tells us that the virtuous woman’s children rise up and praise her, and that her husband will as well.  Understanding that your children are still small, he should ensure doubly that you receive praise when you do well.  As a woman, I understand that women need affection and value, because otherwise our beautiful role can be turned into drudgery and could leave us feeling unloved.

Finally, Kate, I would like to suggest that a weekend away from the kids might be helpful to both of you and keep your marriage together.  It would give you both the time to focus on each other and I prescribe love and lots of it, as well as joining together in prayer as a couple.   Marital intimacy is the bond that holds us together with our spouse.  It brings us together as one and could help to close that chasm that you see between you and Jon.  I know that it could help to make you feel his love for you and he would feel more your desire to save your relationship.   It would help you both to get back to the love you really deep down feel for each other.   I prescribe that you show Jon how much you appreciate him as the man in your life, the man you can surrender yourself to, and I would prescribe that Jon heap his affection on you.   A little love goes a long way to healing us as humans.  Marital intimacy is the most sacred thing God has given us, both woman and men, to draw us closer to the other.    It brings us into a personal space where we become totally aware of the other’s person, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Please let me know when you and Jon can meet with me.  In the meantime, I will be in prayer for you both.

Sister Pam

Pamela Parizo © 2017

 

 

 

 

 

9 Comments

  1. Hey Pam,
    I gave the above a quick read and thought it was pretty balanced! Sorry to hear about your husband and 2015.
    I’ll have to take a look at the balance of your blog!

    Thanks and Salt, Adad.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Pam. Since you invited me to read this I’m here and I will agree it is a good post.
    You’ve said everything that sounds good. Does it work? You tell me.
    You were depressed for almost a quarter of a century.
    What was the problem? You’ve cited that you were a Christian during this time so I must assume you didn’t discover prayer only after a quarter of a century. I’m seriously curious. What was going on all that time? Was there a family tragedy? If so, that’s very understandable. But you don’t touch on the reasons at all (nor did you over at IB’s), so I must ask. I’m seriously curious.

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    1. No, I overcame depression as a Christian. I came from a family history of depression. My grandmother and two of my cousins committed suicide. I became depressed as a teenager, which was later compounded by bad choices. I never sought help because an uncle was in the hospital and it scared me. So I sought help in various ways and I did try different churches, different philosophies. It was only when I became Christian that God healed my mind. I had a vision of Jesus. That was 22 years ago. Following a severe crisis, I did have a mental breakdown but never became depressed again. And I walk in victory today.

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      1. Thank you for the response. So this was in the beginning of your marriage, relatively speaking?
        My brother committed suicide when I was 13. I’m not unfamiliar with depression.
        My father in law is a manic depressive and my mother is a fatalist (she is an atheist).
        I left home at 17 and never looked back (I visit, but never went back to live there…think I’d sooner die in the streets no offense intended).

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        1. Just to elaborate on the above (about preferring to die in the streets),
          In my experience it is very hard on the family. Many people who are married to depressed people also end up on anti-depression pills. That’s pretty standard.
          It is very wonderful that you are cured from your depression.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. “Anon, is there anything too hard for God?”

              Nope.
              It’s people I have less faith in.
              Thank you for the background info.
              I like knowing where people are “coming from” to place some context on their perspectives.
              It’s a please to meet you, Pam. 🙂
              That’s a really strong testimony for the healing power of Christ.
              Take care.

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        2. I was 15 when I first noticed I was depressed. I remained so until I turned 39 and received the Holy Ghost. I got married when I was nearly 22 to the wrong person, and we remained married until he died in 2015 (I was not quite 60). I was suicidal before I received God because life was so desparate for me that I didn’t want to live, so God saved me from that. You are better off not iving with them of course. Negativity such as that can really consume one. I know. But yes I utterly believed in the power of God to heal a person emotionally, physically…well basically the same miracles he performed in the Bible times.

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